I'm not sure if this makes any sense really ... Scared of being scared, but a few short months ago, it is what I was.
I will spare you the TMI details, but there I was visiting my friendly (okay who the hell am I kidding, when you are scared and seeing a doctor can you really call them friendly?) or rather good bedside manner Urologist when he mentions CT Scan, cystoscopy, might just be a small kidney cancer that we can take care of ...
Ummmm ... shit ... what did he say? ... he lost me at cancer! My mom had cancer, it wasn't this kind of cancer, but it was cancer. I have two small girls. And Mark ... And Mark ... How will they handle this? How do I prepare them for me not HERE anymore? Jesus, is this what happens when you get old? I'm pretty healthy. I workout. Okay, I probably drink too much wine. OKAY, I most definitely drink too much wine. Don't cry. Don't even tear up. Now walk to the elevator, press the button, get the the lobby and walk outside to your car. You can do this. Text Mark. Tell him the news. What is the news anyway? I don't know. We don't know. Need tests to determine. I WANT TO KNOW NOW. I have two small girls ... Cue downpour on cheeks. Let's just have a good ole' parking lot cry.
I'm know there was even more going on in my head at the time, but it was all a jumble or scrambled up (like Kyra tells me her head is sometimes) emotions and thoughts with the main focus of not thinking about Mark or my girls and trying not to worry about the unknown.
Because that worry about what we didn't yet know is wasted time and energy that could and should be focused on the good. I was scared of (wasting valuable time and energy) being scared. Very little in life is really as frightening as what you can make it up to be in your mind.
So I went about life with a few extra medical tests, cried here and there, talked with Mark a lot, was nervous about what could be and lived (as much as possible) by the mantra ...
Try not to worry too much about the unknown.
I'm glad I did because it turns out it wasn't cancer. It was just what I like to call "a kidney stone in hiding." It did require minor surgery and some interruptions in life, but considering all things ... I'll take it.
There IS a reason I share this silly story of mine (only silly because the outcome was so benign, but even if it wasn't nothing changes). So this is my takeaway and a state that I strive, sometimes fight, for most everyday ...
Be present regardless of life circumstances, regardless of the unknown.
Breathing helps do that.
I highly recommend this!
Side note: Wonder if the doctor is used to being kissed when he delivers the news that "you have a kidney stone"?